I take a turn
around the Charles
into a lake of shadow.

I used to take that turn
in the middle of a seven mile run
I took every other night, years ago.

I was not a fast runner,
and the turn grew darker
as my heavy feet drew closer.

I now envisage
the turn as a
launch into the unknown.
 

That’s how dark it was at three a.m.

This is the turn which has grown with me, become part of me.
I take that turn every day now,
venturing into the dark of the unknowns of cancer.

I have become the turn.
 

This is the turn

That has grown with me,

Become part of me.

I take that turn every day now,

Venturing into the dark of the unknowns

Of cancer.

I have become the turn.

I saw my social worker today and we worked on the concept of letting things go that don’t neccesarily concern me. Most of my life I have seen myself as the eye of the tornado, the center of a chaotic force, tearing up the landscape of those around me. The intentions of this metaphorical tornado can be good, but the end result is always destruction and confusion. I want people to act the way I think they should act; I want people to be present for me even though I make little effort to reach out to them.

It involves a sibling who has more or less been estranged from the family for some 20 years. The tornado wants to stir things up so that the winds blow, uproot her life, and have it fall back to earth in such a manner that it arranged in the way I want it to be. I realize that my desire to have my sister back in my life is more about me than it is about her happiness:  The tornado arranges blows apart the lives of others and rearanges the disparate parts to suit the tornado. I am the eye of the storm.

I want her to be there for me to suit my wishes, without regard to whatever issues she may have. I want peace in my family, at the expense of my family.

The tornado is the ego, blowing things apart, lifting them up into the air, and bringing them back onto new ground, everything in a different place that suits the eye of the storm which sees things from only one unblinking eye. It takes nothing into account but its own wishes to arrange the people things around it to suit its comfort level.

Sometimes the winds of the tornado are quiet as a whisper, manipulating the enviroonment to rearrange itself. But the eye is always clear and unblinking, virtually unable to see things from the point of view of the ground beneath it. There is on tenderness to eye, no awareness beyond its wishes.

I wish the winds would quiet and I would fall to the earth in simple harmony with all that is.

I asked God today in my morning meditation to place the word tolerance in the center of  my heart, and that I use no other words. I am by my nature fairly intolerant. That shortcoming came to the fore during my last employment experience. It was working with people who have serious mentall health issues– schizophrenia, etc. These men had goals everyday and when they failed to meet them, I found myself judging them.

I woke up strong and early today. All my life I’ve felt like I’ve been sleepwalking, ungrateful for the love of my family and friends. Then drugs came into the picture and I found a solution to the fact that I can’t do life. I never could. I was created by perfect love with a deeply flawed character.

It’s ironic that overcoming addictiongave me the foundation to face this diagnosis: stage four rectal cancer. I rely on Christ for direction, guidance, and comfort. I do not, however, go to church. I believe in an intimate relationship with the creator. Tooday In prayer I forgave cancer for trying to kill me and in Christ’s name asked that it be cast out.

I am currently meeting a friend for coffee as I write. It goes back to an intuitive thought I recieved immediately upon diagnosis. This thought said, “Spend as much time as you possibly cannnwith other people.” Of course, at the time I had no idea what the import of that thought was. I do now.

There are countless instances of wherein nausea and the wide array of symptoms related chemotherapy and cancer are treated by the simple act of genuine human interaction. I recall one instance in which I was to speak at an a.a. meeting very eary one morning following a night of intense nausea, vommiiting, etc.A few friiends showed up very early to take me to the meeting- I was on the verge of cancelling. The meetiing was quite sone distance away, and my symptos vanished in the midst of intense, authentic sharing.

This phenomenon cannot be explained medically, only through the sunlight of the holy spirit.

Today is my first post since my diagnosis in August. I have learned that cancer is a great spiritual teacher, changing my whole outlook on life. I am being tought humility with a hammer. For example, I went food shopping the other day and could not get out of my car beause of chemo fatigue.

I had to ask a friend to come by and pick up my money and shop for me. Cancer has tought me how to be present for others, how to accept love, and how to accept myself for  who I am

When I was diagnosed I recieved an intuitive thought. It said, “Spend as much time as you can with other people.” I have experience in a 12 step program, am a recovered addict, and believe that thought came from God. I was isolating badly prior to diagnosis. Since then, I cannot isolate, even if I wish to do so.

There have been many occasions in which my physical symptoms have been alleviated by simple genuine human contact. Nausea, physical pain, all these afflictions would dissipate upon simple human contact. And that is what that intuitive thought was referring to: the healing power of authentic human sharing.

I have so much more I wish to share and will do so in the coming day. My hope is that my experience will be of benefit to others.