I asked God today in my morning meditation to place the word tolerance in the center of my heart, and that I use no other words. I am by my nature fairly intolerant. That shortcoming came to the fore during my last employment experience. It was working with people who have serious mentall health issues– schizophrenia, etc. These men had goals everyday and when they failed to meet them, I found myself judging them.
I woke up strong and early today. All my life I’ve felt like I’ve been sleepwalking, ungrateful for the love of my family and friends. Then drugs came into the picture and I found a solution to the fact that I can’t do life. I never could. I was created by perfect love with a deeply flawed character.
It’s ironic that overcoming addictiongave me the foundation to face this diagnosis: stage four rectal cancer. I rely on Christ for direction, guidance, and comfort. I do not, however, go to church. I believe in an intimate relationship with the creator. Tooday In prayer I forgave cancer for trying to kill me and in Christ’s name asked that it be cast out.
I am currently meeting a friend for coffee as I write. It goes back to an intuitive thought I recieved immediately upon diagnosis. This thought said, “Spend as much time as you possibly cannnwith other people.” Of course, at the time I had no idea what the import of that thought was. I do now.
There are countless instances of wherein nausea and the wide array of symptoms related chemotherapy and cancer are treated by the simple act of genuine human interaction. I recall one instance in which I was to speak at an a.a. meeting very eary one morning following a night of intense nausea, vommiiting, etc.A few friiends showed up very early to take me to the meeting- I was on the verge of cancelling. The meetiing was quite sone distance away, and my symptos vanished in the midst of intense, authentic sharing.
This phenomenon cannot be explained medically, only through the sunlight of the holy spirit.
Today is my first post since my diagnosis in August. I have learned that cancer is a great spiritual teacher, changing my whole outlook on life. I am being tought humility with a hammer. For example, I went food shopping the other day and could not get out of my car beause of chemo fatigue.
I had to ask a friend to come by and pick up my money and shop for me. Cancer has tought me how to be present for others, how to accept love, and how to accept myself for who I am
When I was diagnosed I recieved an intuitive thought. It said, “Spend as much time as you can with other people.” I have experience in a 12 step program, am a recovered addict, and believe that thought came from God. I was isolating badly prior to diagnosis. Since then, I cannot isolate, even if I wish to do so.
There have been many occasions in which my physical symptoms have been alleviated by simple genuine human contact. Nausea, physical pain, all these afflictions would dissipate upon simple human contact. And that is what that intuitive thought was referring to: the healing power of authentic human sharing.
I have so much more I wish to share and will do so in the coming day. My hope is that my experience will be of benefit to others.