I saw my social worker today and we worked on the concept of letting things go that don’t neccesarily concern me. Most of my life I have seen myself as the eye of the tornado, the center of a chaotic force, tearing up the landscape of those around me. The intentions of this metaphorical tornado can be good, but the end result is always destruction and confusion. I want people to act the way I think they should act; I want people to be present for me even though I make little effort to reach out to them.

It involves a sibling who has more or less been estranged from the family for some 20 years. The tornado wants to stir things up so that the winds blow, uproot her life, and have it fall back to earth in such a manner that it arranged in the way I want it to be. I realize that my desire to have my sister back in my life is more about me than it is about her happiness:  The tornado arranges blows apart the lives of others and rearanges the disparate parts to suit the tornado. I am the eye of the storm.

I want her to be there for me to suit my wishes, without regard to whatever issues she may have. I want peace in my family, at the expense of my family.

The tornado is the ego, blowing things apart, lifting them up into the air, and bringing them back onto new ground, everything in a different place that suits the eye of the storm which sees things from only one unblinking eye. It takes nothing into account but its own wishes to arrange the people things around it to suit its comfort level.

Sometimes the winds of the tornado are quiet as a whisper, manipulating the enviroonment to rearrange itself. But the eye is always clear and unblinking, virtually unable to see things from the point of view of the ground beneath it. There is on tenderness to eye, no awareness beyond its wishes.

I wish the winds would quiet and I would fall to the earth in simple harmony with all that is.