I flicked

prayer out of my life

like a cigarette butt

out of a car window.

 

Meditation

slipped through my fingers,

quiet as regret.

 

My inner compass went mad.

 

My life spun around

and landed on her.

 

Her body was a shoreline

curving perfectly

into the grand distance.

 

 

And I lied to her.

 

I became the quicksand

within myself

and couldn’t find the way out.

 

She wouldn’t give me

her touch,

her secrets,

her whispers at dawn,

the floor cold,

and the coffee hot.

 

She wouldn’t give me

the eloquence

of her form-

the unsaid

thoughts in her breath.

 

And I lied to her.

 

It was a cruel thing to say,

clearly something

that crawled out from a desperate place.

 

And she believed it

and wept

soft as first snowfall.

 

I cut her heart open

and walked away.

 

The eggshell crack of it

could be felt next door

where the plump mailman

left his dinner for the dog.

 

And I walked away.

 

The fizzle of unfilled space

crackled within me

and yawned for retribution.

 

I allowed her

to believe

the sick propaganda

of a spinning mind.

 

And I didn’t care.

 

And when finally

the truth leaked into her life,

a certain grace

bloomed like joy.

 

And she forgave me.

 

I fell to my knees

and the spinning stopped.

The earthquake power

of her forgiveness

humbled me.

 

and my faith

was reaffirmed

and there was something

beautiful about the way she said

she understood.